I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
