Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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