final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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