I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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