I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
