I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
