note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
