Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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