Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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