i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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