peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
