so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
