Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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