what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
