I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
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I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
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Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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