my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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