Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the day after is always just damage control
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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