McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
