all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
