just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
