I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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