I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
