I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
