Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
