I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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