I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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