lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
sarcasm needs its own font
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
