Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
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My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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