I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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