I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
