She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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