new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
