she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
