I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
