I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I intend to get homeless drunk
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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