he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
