Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
