1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
