my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
