barbara walters just said penis...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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