I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
