is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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