I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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