Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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