Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
