The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
