i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
