I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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