So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
