cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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