a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
