i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
