I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
