totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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