Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
