I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
