This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS